Top ten things to eat while watching the news.
It can be pretty rough out there some days. Health issues happen, relationships falter, families fuss and news is scary.
Every day we face a barrage of information challenges. Anxiety keeps us pacing and circling, jiggling and tapping. Worry keeps us from sleep. Nervousness keeps us from concentrating.
Our responses to upsetting stimuli can even throw off our groove, harsh our Zen and put a kink in our chain. News can really ruin our days.
But through careful scientific research I am pleased to provide you with the latest data on the best methodology for coping with challenging news.
The proven antidote for bad news is food! Yes, food! But not just any food. You need the right food for maximum benefit to recover from specific kinds of aggravating information.
This carefully cultivated and scientifically created data driven list is guaranteed to alleviate all symptoms related to news induced stress. I spoke to, like, three different people! This is science in action!
1. When listening to our President tweeting on any subject, it is important to go crunchy in your responsive food choice. You need to eat something you can bite into with a hard angry jaw-snapping motion. If you insist on being healthy you can eat raw vegetables, like carrots, which require a high level of bite pressure. Pita chips are equally therapeutic. They are loud and crunchy. Eating them allows you to transfer your anger from your brain to your taste buds.
2.When faced with the shrinking of our national park lands, only one food will help. Macaroni and cheese made from the blue box your Mom used when you were a happy innocent child. Mac and cheese is the ultimate food of safety and comfort. Food memories from childhood will make you feel calm.
3.In response to escalation of military force around the world: you better not eat anything. You’re going to want to save that food to be packed away neatly in your underground bunker. For later.
4.When listening to a celebrity, journalist or elected official attempt to explain past questionable actions, eat peanut butter. It will stick to the roof of your mouth and give you the clearest empathy about what it feels like to choke on your own words.
5.While watching your candidate lose an election: eat something sweet in extra large quantities. Perhaps an entire box of donuts. Donuts will both smother your anger under an influx of food as well as put you in a sugar overloaded state that will deaden all pain.
6.In response to changes in the tax code: If you feel like you will personally benefit in some small way and are not bothered by the loss of social services you should celebrate with a bowl of perfect juicy strawberries topped with the most delicious and frothiest of creams. Alternatively, if you are having trouble swallowing tax code changes, eating jello might help it slide down more easily.
7.If you are in danger of losing your health coverage; eat anything, as long as it is sugar free, fat free, caffeine free, salt free and gluten free.
8.When the news makes you despair of our society ever reaching an even level of freedom and equal opportunity for all members; eat something cultural, but not from your own culture. As a Jewish woman I might like a burrito or a crepe. Others might enjoy a nice bowl of matzo ball soup.
9.In response to our growing awareness of the prevalence of sexual harassment; eat something without using your hands. Do not touch your food in any way except with your utensils. Do not slurp or lick. Only eat with a number of other people in attendance.
10.When reading about storms, hurricanes and fires: split whatever you would like to eat and send the value of the other half to people in need in the disaster areas.
And finally, a bonus tip:
11.If despite following these top food suggestions you find yourself sleeplessly wandering around your house in the middle of the night, it is okay to sneak some food. Just make sure you hide the evidence so no one can see it in the morning.
After all, it works for people in government, it should work for you as well.